It hurts... and it hurts badly. It so bad that I had to run away... run away to work in a totally new environment and hopefully for a long period of time too. I dont understand why people had to do this. Why must they judge me like this? It hurts that someone i trusted so much had turned her back on me.
When i heard what Bee told me, I was speechless and then the reality hits me. I wanted to cry... my voice was breaking and I know Bee knows. I tried to shield them from Glen, protect them from Glen yelling. But in the end, what do i get??? All i get is my so called friends saying that I'm sucking up to Glen. Up till today, my heart still aches when I think about it. I know I not the same anymore. I not so happy anymore. No more happy go lucky weiwei cause this incident really affects me greatly. I dont know when i will recover from it. It makes it worse cause I feel that Brenda also think that I'm wrong.
But seriously what is wrong with me knowing another guy? What is wrong with me getting involved with a man? Is it so wrong for me to find someone else attractive other than always hanging out with my friends. They think that my work is affected cause of him. I still dont see it leh. I did what i suppose to do. We are all professional and i expect the things to be done when i told them about it. How many times do i need to say it? how many times do i need to repeat myself? They cant expect the whole production to be runned like for drama.
i feel that my heart is dead. I too hurt by this. i dont want to say or do anything anymore.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
No confidence
every time when it's late at night, i will start thinking of things. I tend to imagine a lot, good and bad things. I might feel confident about a certain issue in the day but when it comes to the night, i will suddenly lost form and totally lost all my confidence on the subject.
just moment ago, i suddenly have this feeling that T will not call me. She most likely is still angry with me. She probably had not read the email or maybe she has... aiyah, see.. this is what i meant by i totally lost confidence. shit!
I dont know what to think anymore.
just moment ago, i suddenly have this feeling that T will not call me. She most likely is still angry with me. She probably had not read the email or maybe she has... aiyah, see.. this is what i meant by i totally lost confidence. shit!
I dont know what to think anymore.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
did a project, lost my friends
I finish the project in Penang but end up losing my friends. I did asked myself, 'Is all these worth it'?
I lost my temper on the day when we are supposed to come back to singapore. It a penned up frustration built up during the 6 weeks of shoot. It very very miserable for me. Sigh...
All my ex friends say I'm too fierce during shoot. Kept yelling and scolding them. They say they dont trust me cause whatever i say is not true, I tell lies. This is Fucking production leh... where got things doesnt change. And i specify remember that P did tell me to stick to 1pm for the other artist calltime. Then again, there will be no way to say who is right or wrong cause i dont have proof. it's her word against mine. And since everyone is on her side, I will naturally lose. Anyway, i always misunderstood what they meant. Like on the last day in penang... Thinking back, it seem like it fate that all these will happened. Cause really to my understanding at that time, they are supposed to tell Glen that DD will pick him at 8.45am. All i need to do is to co-ordinate the part if crew not ready and tell Glen that DD is stuck in a traffic jam. THey just assumed that I will tell Glen about the plans. Why they will just assume it??????!!!! WHY???!!!
Aiyah, forget about it.
Anyway cause of all these, they start to boycott me, stay away from me. Some even say I might be possessed by the evil spirt since it was the Chinese 7th month during the time of shoot. If they all think I'm really is possessed or i turning into a monster, why wouldnt they as a friend tell me what I am becoming?
But they didnt, they just let me be... Reason being, they are scared of being scolded. Now I see what my so called friends really are... They are just friends during fun and laughter NOT someone who will stand by you during your bad times and good times.
Aside from all these personal problems I have, I am everyday, every min under tremendous stress from everyone. Yes, i understand that all these are part and parcel of the job. I accept it but i need the support of all my so called friends. My lunch break is never a real lunch break cause every1 will be asking me qns. It gets even more frustrating when we are out for toilet break and i see every1 sitting around, having lunch, talking and laughing while we worked our ass off thru lunch. Larry and Glen doesnt talk much to each other. I always have to be the bridge between them. Larry is getting frustrated with things after the 1st week of shoot, and i'm really trying my very best to make sure he will not walk out of set. I'm under constant pressure to make sure I finish all the scheduled scenes everyday cause i know if i dont, I will have difficulty putting it on another day. Being the one doing the overall filming schedule is also another added pressure on me. Constant changing of schedule, juggling with all the artists schedule is already a headache. I not only have to think of the shots i have that day, but also the schedule for the next day, the next week, the next next week. A master filming schedule is normally controlled by the production manager but this time round I took over cause i feel it easier for me to communicate with Glen. Maybe i shouldnt have done it. Maybe it a wrong move from the start of the project.
Brenda told me yesterday that T spoke to her before she left for penang in July. They spoke about my close friendship with D. Seriously speaking i only see it as harmless plain flirting with each other. BUt T is worried that it will affect my work, maybe even cloud my mind about things AND even be too over the top abt it. I know she not happy abt me getting close to D. She always remind me that there is still B around. But i'm still a woman. It feels damn good when i get this sort of attention esp since it been a while. Yes, B is around but he is never the touchy sort of person, verbally and physically. So even b4 she left for penang, she already had a biased and set mind abt me. It gets worse when she sees me talking to D, smiling and laughing and will assume that we are again flirting. But seriously most of the time, we are talking about work.
So is all these worth it??? I must say it make me see things clearer, it makes me know who are my friends. Yes, i still do treasure my friendship with T. but my pride is preventing me from writing a email or even sms her. I am very very miserable now.
I lost my temper on the day when we are supposed to come back to singapore. It a penned up frustration built up during the 6 weeks of shoot. It very very miserable for me. Sigh...
All my ex friends say I'm too fierce during shoot. Kept yelling and scolding them. They say they dont trust me cause whatever i say is not true, I tell lies. This is Fucking production leh... where got things doesnt change. And i specify remember that P did tell me to stick to 1pm for the other artist calltime. Then again, there will be no way to say who is right or wrong cause i dont have proof. it's her word against mine. And since everyone is on her side, I will naturally lose. Anyway, i always misunderstood what they meant. Like on the last day in penang... Thinking back, it seem like it fate that all these will happened. Cause really to my understanding at that time, they are supposed to tell Glen that DD will pick him at 8.45am. All i need to do is to co-ordinate the part if crew not ready and tell Glen that DD is stuck in a traffic jam. THey just assumed that I will tell Glen about the plans. Why they will just assume it??????!!!! WHY???!!!
Aiyah, forget about it.
Anyway cause of all these, they start to boycott me, stay away from me. Some even say I might be possessed by the evil spirt since it was the Chinese 7th month during the time of shoot. If they all think I'm really is possessed or i turning into a monster, why wouldnt they as a friend tell me what I am becoming?
But they didnt, they just let me be... Reason being, they are scared of being scolded. Now I see what my so called friends really are... They are just friends during fun and laughter NOT someone who will stand by you during your bad times and good times.
Aside from all these personal problems I have, I am everyday, every min under tremendous stress from everyone. Yes, i understand that all these are part and parcel of the job. I accept it but i need the support of all my so called friends. My lunch break is never a real lunch break cause every1 will be asking me qns. It gets even more frustrating when we are out for toilet break and i see every1 sitting around, having lunch, talking and laughing while we worked our ass off thru lunch. Larry and Glen doesnt talk much to each other. I always have to be the bridge between them. Larry is getting frustrated with things after the 1st week of shoot, and i'm really trying my very best to make sure he will not walk out of set. I'm under constant pressure to make sure I finish all the scheduled scenes everyday cause i know if i dont, I will have difficulty putting it on another day. Being the one doing the overall filming schedule is also another added pressure on me. Constant changing of schedule, juggling with all the artists schedule is already a headache. I not only have to think of the shots i have that day, but also the schedule for the next day, the next week, the next next week. A master filming schedule is normally controlled by the production manager but this time round I took over cause i feel it easier for me to communicate with Glen. Maybe i shouldnt have done it. Maybe it a wrong move from the start of the project.
Brenda told me yesterday that T spoke to her before she left for penang in July. They spoke about my close friendship with D. Seriously speaking i only see it as harmless plain flirting with each other. BUt T is worried that it will affect my work, maybe even cloud my mind about things AND even be too over the top abt it. I know she not happy abt me getting close to D. She always remind me that there is still B around. But i'm still a woman. It feels damn good when i get this sort of attention esp since it been a while. Yes, B is around but he is never the touchy sort of person, verbally and physically. So even b4 she left for penang, she already had a biased and set mind abt me. It gets worse when she sees me talking to D, smiling and laughing and will assume that we are again flirting. But seriously most of the time, we are talking about work.
So is all these worth it??? I must say it make me see things clearer, it makes me know who are my friends. Yes, i still do treasure my friendship with T. but my pride is preventing me from writing a email or even sms her. I am very very miserable now.
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