Happy Holidays!

it hurts.

It hurts... and it hurts badly. It so bad that I had to run away... run away to work in a totally new environment and hopefully for a long period of time too. I dont understand why people had to do this. Why must they judge me like this? It hurts that someone i trusted so much had turned her back on me.

When i heard what Bee told me, I was speechless and then the reality hits me. I wanted to cry... my voice was breaking and I know Bee knows. I tried to shield them from Glen, protect them from Glen yelling. But in the end, what do i get??? All i get is my so called friends saying that I'm sucking up to Glen. Up till today, my heart still aches when I think about it. I know I not the same anymore. I not so happy anymore. No more happy go lucky weiwei cause this incident really affects me greatly. I dont know when i will recover from it. It makes it worse cause I feel that Brenda also think that I'm wrong.

But seriously what is wrong with me knowing another guy? What is wrong with me getting involved with a man? Is it so wrong for me to find someone else attractive other than always hanging out with my friends. They think that my work is affected cause of him. I still dont see it leh. I did what i suppose to do. We are all professional and i expect the things to be done when i told them about it. How many times do i need to say it? how many times do i need to repeat myself? They cant expect the whole production to be runned like for drama.

i feel that my heart is dead. I too hurt by this. i dont want to say or do anything anymore.

No confidence

every time when it's late at night, i will start thinking of things. I tend to imagine a lot, good and bad things. I might feel confident about a certain issue in the day but when it comes to the night, i will suddenly lost form and totally lost all my confidence on the subject.

just moment ago, i suddenly have this feeling that T will not call me. She most likely is still angry with me. She probably had not read the email or maybe she has... aiyah, see.. this is what i meant by i totally lost confidence. shit!

I dont know what to think anymore.

did a project, lost my friends

I finish the project in Penang but end up losing my friends. I did asked myself, 'Is all these worth it'?

I lost my temper on the day when we are supposed to come back to singapore. It a penned up frustration built up during the 6 weeks of shoot. It very very miserable for me. Sigh...

All my ex friends say I'm too fierce during shoot. Kept yelling and scolding them. They say they dont trust me cause whatever i say is not true, I tell lies. This is Fucking production leh... where got things doesnt change. And i specify remember that P did tell me to stick to 1pm for the other artist calltime. Then again, there will be no way to say who is right or wrong cause i dont have proof. it's her word against mine. And since everyone is on her side, I will naturally lose. Anyway, i always misunderstood what they meant. Like on the last day in penang... Thinking back, it seem like it fate that all these will happened. Cause really to my understanding at that time, they are supposed to tell Glen that DD will pick him at 8.45am. All i need to do is to co-ordinate the part if crew not ready and tell Glen that DD is stuck in a traffic jam. THey just assumed that I will tell Glen about the plans. Why they will just assume it??????!!!! WHY???!!!

Aiyah, forget about it.

Anyway cause of all these, they start to boycott me, stay away from me. Some even say I might be possessed by the evil spirt since it was the Chinese 7th month during the time of shoot. If they all think I'm really is possessed or i turning into a monster, why wouldnt they as a friend tell me what I am becoming?

But they didnt, they just let me be... Reason being, they are scared of being scolded. Now I see what my so called friends really are... They are just friends during fun and laughter NOT someone who will stand by you during your bad times and good times.

Aside from all these personal problems I have, I am everyday, every min under tremendous stress from everyone. Yes, i understand that all these are part and parcel of the job. I accept it but i need the support of all my so called friends. My lunch break is never a real lunch break cause every1 will be asking me qns. It gets even more frustrating when we are out for toilet break and i see every1 sitting around, having lunch, talking and laughing while we worked our ass off thru lunch. Larry and Glen doesnt talk much to each other. I always have to be the bridge between them. Larry is getting frustrated with things after the 1st week of shoot, and i'm really trying my very best to make sure he will not walk out of set. I'm under constant pressure to make sure I finish all the scheduled scenes everyday cause i know if i dont, I will have difficulty putting it on another day. Being the one doing the overall filming schedule is also another added pressure on me. Constant changing of schedule, juggling with all the artists schedule is already a headache. I not only have to think of the shots i have that day, but also the schedule for the next day, the next week, the next next week. A master filming schedule is normally controlled by the production manager but this time round I took over cause i feel it easier for me to communicate with Glen. Maybe i shouldnt have done it. Maybe it a wrong move from the start of the project.

Brenda told me yesterday that T spoke to her before she left for penang in July. They spoke about my close friendship with D. Seriously speaking i only see it as harmless plain flirting with each other. BUt T is worried that it will affect my work, maybe even cloud my mind about things AND even be too over the top abt it. I know she not happy abt me getting close to D. She always remind me that there is still B around. But i'm still a woman. It feels damn good when i get this sort of attention esp since it been a while. Yes, B is around but he is never the touchy sort of person, verbally and physically. So even b4 she left for penang, she already had a biased and set mind abt me. It gets worse when she sees me talking to D, smiling and laughing and will assume that we are again flirting. But seriously most of the time, we are talking about work.

So is all these worth it??? I must say it make me see things clearer, it makes me know who are my friends. Yes, i still do treasure my friendship with T. but my pride is preventing me from writing a email or even sms her. I am very very miserable now.

Going home

I'm going home soon... in 4days later. There still 3 more days of shoot to be done. I so glad that this project is finishing soon. I have NEVER felt so relieved that a project is ending. I must admit that Glen is a very nice man although temperamental at times. It takes some time for both of us to know each other. And he does treat me very well, always making sure that I'm happy with things.

My DOP and i was talking the other day and we causally spoke about our thoughts of this production. Like I said to him, my hands are tied. In a Asia film production, a 1st AD doesnt have as much power and authority as a 1st AD in UK or US. Here in Asia, when i'm slightly fiercer to people (which i was for the 1st 3weeks), I will be condemn as a bad and evil person and its a BIG NO NO NO. These people doesnt even know that there so many times i save their ass, their job and all they know is to turn round to the producer and cry that I have been a big meanie. There so many many times Director will questioned me what they are doing, are they doing their work. It very very tough. When things goes wrong and the Director questioned, it will always be me who get the blame and scolding first even though it completely none of my biz. That why from that day onwards, I refused to help anyone anymore. If they dont do it well, Director will scream at them not me.

I know T is trying to talk to me again abt things, maybe to mend things up (I hope). When it rains yesterday and i was under the rain without hat or umbrella, i saw her walking towards me at the corner of my eyes with a umbrella wanting to shelter me. But I called for standby to go for a take and that was when she left. She ask me today if I want to go home on the 1st flight since B is flying off to Tokyo on the very same day I going back to sg. At least she is concerned that I do want to go back and see B. It will be another 6days more before i can meet B. She say at least i can drive him to the airport. Oh well, never mind la. I will have lots to say to him. Better see him when there more time for me.

This time round, I'm going back to rest. I mean Totally really rest for a month plus. I going to Shanghai in Oct since my parents are there. Going to eat lots of stuff there and buy lots. For sept, I think i going to revamp my room. Throw away MORE... more unwanted/useless things. i think less cluttered in the room in better for the energy and the mind. Its 12.30am and i have a early call tomolo. Tomolo i have a big scene that involves LOTS of choreography and smart extras. It tough cause we havent been getting the best extras in Penang. I hope the scene will work out well and we would be able to finish on time.

Truly hope that tomolo will not rain. Pls GOD. I have no more time to squeeze in any more scenes into any days. Let there be a sunny and blue day tomolo.

Reflection

This project in Penang has me thinking about a lot of things. During the course of this, I came to realized lots of things and learn more about people around me. People and things are not as simple as you think it is... It sadden me to think that some people who i used to think are very nice is not actually good.

Things I feel are not the same between T and me anymore. We need to talk about what happened cause if not we will always be bothered by the fact that we had this huge argument. i want to know what happened. T used to be able to tell me everything, eg: what she feel i have done wrong, her thoughts about situation, abt the project, about people. Yes, i must say she knows me well, but sometimes i feel that she doesnt. She knows that something must be bothering or affecting me for me to say that anyone can take over me anytime. Something about what P say. What she mentioned to me that day comforted me a little. But it also something that I know. I could have walk out of this project 2 weeks back, but i didnt. Only because of my director. I know he needs me and i do not want to break his trust. I spend at least 2 mths with him to get his trust. And P thinks that it so easy for anyone to take over me. hahahahaha. It makes me want to laugh sometimes.

This whole episode of things make me look at people closely. Tells me not to trust people so easily.

I need to go home, to find back my sanity in life.

In penang

Filming has begin. this is already the 2nd week of shoot. Not too bad so far. Quite tiring during the 1st few days cause got to wake up at 5am every morning. it crazy. Now, the body clock kinda get used to it liao.

Him and me have been very busy lately. didnt get to talk much. i do very much want to talk more to him but it seem so difficult cause i'm always on set. i also find him slightly different after my one week stay in sg. Think my producer must have said something abt 'she doesnt like to have ppl going into relationship on set'. cause she mention that briefly to me. well, anyway, we still try to get every chance to talk at least a day. i know he trying not to be so close to me on set cause many ppl are looking at us. When we go out for dinner alone, we always say we in a meeting. make things easier....

i like it when a man keeps his word. he told me he will call me yesterday after his movie, he really did. which is what i like. that is an extra point for him. :)

Well... i hope this goes somewhere...

no title

I'm back from KL for one week this time. have been traveling to and fro KL, SG and Penang. Its damn tiring to travel like that okie. I was looking at my previous post. Wow... that was when i just started on this project. Now KL has become my 2nd home. I so used to it now. But for me to live there for good, I still need to think about it.

Actually I think i met someone over in malaysia. (let's call him D). But i dont want to put myself so completely into it first. I'm afraid that it will turn out bad like all the others. I kept telling myself not to raise my hopes too high. Kept telling myself also that it is casual flirting, just a fling and nothing more. No expectation is good. He is very nice and sweet to me. MCP man who wants to be in control of everything. but that fine with me. i quite used to being a 小女人when i'm not on set, working. Not sure how this will turn out. He will take every opportunity he has to try to hug me everytime. for example, when i goes back to sg, or when i goes back to Kl from SG. He even hug me to tell me bye when we are off for the weekend.

So far, I noticed he only do that to me. There also other incident where i think there might be something going on between us. But I kept telling myself not to read too much into these things.

About my the other fren, B. During my absence in Singapore, B tells me that day over msn that he needs my attention!!... with explanation mark somemore. When i questioned him abt it, his reply is 'nothing'. aiyah.. MEN... why cant you guys just admit it. Do you know it very tiring to keep guessing what you are thinking?

aiyah.. shoot starting soon. Workload are piling. Me getting busy with the preparation. I think love has to wait or be secondary first. I such a workholic lor.

in KL

i'm writing this from KL. Been here for almost 9days liao. Its a new project that takes me to shoot in Penang. Seem like a fun project cause many ppl to learn from. But lots of incompetent and non experienced ppl on the project too. That kinda pissed me off cause i cant concentrate on my AD work.

will have to travel to and fro from sg, Kl, penang quite often these days. it quite a nightmare i must say. all the travel.. think it worse when i have to be away from sg for so long. i kinda miss talking to him, the closeness we have. at least it just a phone call away but now it at least 5hrs bus ride away. sigh... And i spending my birthday away too.

If i do take up the next project, it be again be in KL and judging how it goes, i will miss his birthday too.

sigh.. what to do.. i such a workholic mah.

Dreams

Dreams..

Everyone has dreams...

Do you?


I dreamt sometimes. scary dreams, sweet dreams, funny dreams... all sorts actually. recently i had a scary dream after watching a disease terror movie on ch5. I dreamt that the animals in this world has turn violent. They starting to bite humans, tearing at thhe human skin. it was a horrific scene. In my dreams, I was scare and running away from them.. my 2 guinea pig, toto and strike had turn against me. in a moment of happiness, i saw brutus, my british bulldog at the top of a small mountain. He turn and look at me. 'looks normal to me, ' i thought. I ran towards brutus. but as i approach him, brutus bare his sharp teeth at me and charge towards me. I Ran.. ran very very fast.... down the slope... running for my life... THEN, i woke up.

haha..

my sister couldnt stop laughing at me. my friends too. i have always been a very visually person. I remember things, moving objects better than numbers. sigh.. .gosh...

thum told me that she will dream every single night, without fail. her friend thinks that thum doesnt actually sleep. if fact, she hasnt slept all her life. i would think it true.

when we dream, are we sleeping, resting or is our sub-consciousness mind still at work, galavanting away to the corners of our mind, our fantasy land?

that would remain a mystery unless some scientist make a discovery. Or has it already been discovered?

i shall try and dream of the answer tonight.

it's a wrap!

Finally, MNe2 has completed filming. 39days of filming, 1 mth of preparation finally, its done. Now having my well-needed break. During these period, i have lost my temper countless time on set. Everyone has now seen the ugly side of weiwei. haha... what to do? Cant always be the sweet and nice weiwei if not not everyone will bully me on set. haha.. then again, lots of people say i'm the chilli padi.

Losing my temper is not good. cause i had a argument with a fren on set. she a good fren, on and off set and also a good partner when it comes to work. so it definitely not a good thing when that happen. luckily we had a talk and everything is alright now. think the volcano needs to erupt once and it be tame already. And I'm glad this agrument didnt spoilt our friendship.

Few more days of rest before i start on another one. But this time more relaxed cause i'm just the production accountant. I think it good. can relax and earn money at the same time.

i think i miss him. shit.

blah blah blah

just finish 4 days of over night shoot. now got 3days of off day. me havent been in the best of moods recently. Think it the stress of work. worried about every single thing. this is not good cause it makes me angry with everyone. its tiredly. very tiredly..

when i under stress, i tend to like to buy things. that when i have lots of impulse buy. this round, i want to buy a new ultra mobile pc. am thinking it either the asus eee pc or Kohjinsha. asus eee has green color but only 4GB and runs on linux. Kohjinsha is more ex but runs on windows. I trying to buy a 2nd hand one for $620. hopefully the person will sell.

me in Hokkaido, Sapporo Japan!

will post more pics up once i figure how to use this new software

CNY 2008

i wonder how does people blog everyday about any single thing they see. I feel that blogging or diary writing in the old days needs inspiration. I seem to have lots of things to blog about b4 i log onto my blog. But once it, I dont feel like writing anymore. Does it mean i'm just plain lazy or i totally lack inspiration? I think i'm also someone who needs to be in the mood to do things and also i need to have a dateline for things. If not, i tend to wait, and wait, and wait.

so how did everyone spend their CNY? me? the usual things. day 1 is always to visit aunties' place which normally means just one location cause everyone will gather at one house. Day 2 is normally to go to malaysia to visit the relatives from my mum side. every year these become a usual routine that it have become really boring for me, esp this year. dont know why. dont feel like going anywhere except laze in bed the whole day watching videos on youtube. I'm really quite addicated to it. normally i will watch the taiwanese variety show or watch clips on aska yang. he becoming really quite popular these days. every time he sings, he remind me of Ah du. they both have the same deep voice, except maybe aska sang some songs with more feelings. I also havent seen a male artiste that cries so easily. amazing. he really can be called SNAG, 'Sensitive New Age Guy'.

okie. i better go and sleep. its 4am now. tomolo is the last day of CNY holidays. Mon got to go back to work. Mnnn... maybe i should go shopping tomolo. hahahaha... see how first. Dont know whether my lazy sister wants to go out or not.

ciao!